I haven't been posting much lately, I haven't even been on the site for a long time, so thanks to the people that came back and checked my page. I'll fill you in on whats been going on in my life. (I know this really doesn't explain much this is just a summary.)

some you may know this about me, my mom, who I love very much borderline personality disorder , its a cluster B personalty disorder that causes relationship instability, she has an intense fear of abandonment, real or imaged mostly imaged. I'm not going to bore you with all the long pointless story's about are fights, but for anyone who has or lives with someone with a personality disorder knows that it is a philological hell. she has not been diagnosed by a professional this is just what me and other family members believe she has.

the thought of living with my dad who is a non-borderline like me has crossed my mind. but I also said no my mom needs me here to support her, and I can't just leave and move to another state. I haven't seen my dad in probably five years, we where trying to get the money together for I could visit him this summer.

my dad almost died last December, he got pneumonia after he had surgery, and was in the hospital for 3 weeks in a drug induced coma, he had a number of things that could have killed him, but he lived and me and him are grateful for the second chance, when all this was going on and I was convinced my dad was going to die, all my mom could say was he better live for he can pay MY (her) child support. hes always payed on time, but because he got sick he fail behind and is having a hard time paying. fast forward five months later, its summer and I'm not working, nor do I have any big plans with my friends, he says I have the money for the plane ticket.

when I told my mom about it, she had a fit (I thought she would) screaming, "your not going anywhere with that fat bastard until he pays MY fucking money, ha ha no I don't fucking think so." when I asked her for her reason, she called me an ungraceful bitch then ignored for the rest of the week.

this went on and on for two months, endless screaming and the silently treatment. this was obsessively causing me stress. a.) he only owed 800 dollars he was going to pay her sooner or later. b.) she didn't need the money c.) she was using me to get back at my dad, for god knows what ever irrational reason. d.) it was a method of controlling me. and all that on top of the screaming and yelling, I was goddamn exhausted.

to sum all this up after my dad looking into the law, and seeing what he could do, and soon realizing the only way for her to let me go was for him to pay the money, he borrowed it from his sister, and my mom thought about then decided it was a deal.

here's the thing, I'm leaving on the 24Th and I can't wait to see my dad, and his future wife! you guys have no ideal, and theres no possible way, or number of words to sum up the emotions I've felt going though all this. but here's the thing my mom is hesitant to let me go still she is afraid I'll stay and to be honestly she might be on to something. my dad told me I'll always have an open door with him, and freedom of thought witch I don't have here, and my mom is finical taking care of. and I'm getting really sick of her shit personalty disorder or not. no one should be kept from seeing or talking to there family, (not just my dad, she won't let me talk to my aunt either) and be yelled at and put though an emotional hell. that's the pros of me leaving, but heres the cons, sad to say I don't really know my dad that will, and I don't know anyone in Seattle. I've come to the realization that I can't fix her, only she can. like a junkie only they can help themselves no one else you can't force someone to get help, but I hate to admit that I failed. that's my problem I have to much pride. its ridicules but I still believe that I can still fix her.

so I don't know right now. if I like Seattle then theres a good chance I might stay, but I'm just going to enjoy my damn vacation and try and not worry about it.

thanks for reading, fell free to offer advise and ask questions. I'll keep you guys up dated.

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